i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
