we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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