Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
