addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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