Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
