You're my little dorito
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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