He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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