I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
