We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
