I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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