plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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