i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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