I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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