how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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