Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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