remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You pole danced in your parka.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
my liver is dry heaving
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
