I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
