I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
