3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The air was thick with penises
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
