i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
