It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize