I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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