Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
