I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
