so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
