i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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