boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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