Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
