I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
