Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
