You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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