Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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