why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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