I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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