I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
