I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
