saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
