Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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