Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
