question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
