My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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