Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
