What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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