3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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