If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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