Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize