my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
