I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
