I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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