Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
