: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Randomize
