I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
