No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
