Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
