Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
