so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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