I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize