Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
